


Need

by LiaIsInLove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Addiction, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Cutting, Depressed Niall, Depression, Gen, Implied Relationships, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Niall-centric, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Niall, Self-Hatred, Self-Mutilation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-16
Updated: 2015-11-16
Packaged: 2018-03-10 02:38:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3273638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiaIsInLove/pseuds/LiaIsInLove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I need the pain it brings, so bitter and yet so sweet, so reviving and yet so demolishing, so refreshing and yet so cliché.</p><p>Massive trigger warnings. Please please please do not read if you have any possibility of being triggered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Need

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Rewrite/Repost. I made a few small edits and decided to repost it. It's not plagiarism and if it looks familiar, you probably have read it before. I apologize in advance because I wrote this forever ago and it pretty much sucks, even with the rewriting/edits I just made, but I'm far too lazy to rewrite the entire thing. So here it is.
> 
>  
> 
> I found this on my computer from forever ago and I decided I might as well post it. It was originally on fanfiction.net in a different fandom so if for some random reason you have read this before, I assure you that I am not plagiarizing.
> 
> PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE EVEN THE FAINTEST POSSIBILITY OF BEING TRIGGERED
> 
> This is about self harm and living with severe mental illness. It is from the point of view of someone who has a mental illness, and subsequently condones some extremely harmful and dangerous behaviors. This is from a perspective distorted by disease. THIS IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER JUSTIFIES, CONDONES, OR MAKES SELF HARM ANY LESS SERIOUS. SELF HARM IS NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, JUSTIFIED. IT IS DANGEROUS AND SHOULD NOT BE MADE LIGHT OF.
> 
> IF YOU HAVE NEVER SELF HARMED BEFORE, DON'T START AND IF READING THIS MIGHT MAKE YOU WANT TO, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS.
> 
> IF YOU HAVE EVER ENGAGED IN SELF INJURIOUS BEHAVIORS, AND MIGHT BE TRIGGERED AND WANT TO BY READING THIS, PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS.
> 
> IF YOU ARE HAVING URGES TO HARM YOURSELF IN ANY WAY, PLEASE VISIT THE LINKS TO DIFFERENT HOTLINES THAT PROVIDE 24 HOUR SERVICE TO HELP YOU. I will fully list them in the end notes as well as some other info and recourses, but these are the links to websites that list them:  
> http://insteadofcutting.tumblr.com/hotlines  
> https://self-injury.net/resources/hotlines

I need it. That's the thing that no one understands. I need it so much.  Because I'm not strong enough to exist without it.

Without it I am lost, I am pathetic, I am weak. But the problem is,  _it_  makes me weak. It strips away my courage, built up so strong in the light of day, as easily as though it were dead bark pealing in sheets from a lifeless tree. It's a quick tear, no ripping and wrenching, tearing and tugging, wrestling with a stubborn bandage adhering to my skin, unwilling to be pried loose. The Band-Aid covering my shame is old and soggy, pretending to heal my wounds when all it does is hide them from sight. But they're still there, concealed or not. They still sting. And they make me feel alive. Without it, I am little more than a hollow corpse. Without it, I am a shell. Without it, I cannot feel. Without it, I am not alive.

I need the pain it brings, so bitter and yet so sweet, so reviving and yet so demolishing, so refreshing and yet  _so_  cliché. But then again, _I_ am a cliché. I think of myself as some great martyr, suffering in silence, bearing my pain in a way that hurts no others, accepting my fate without complaint.  A martyr who suffers so that others may be happy, who puts on a brave face and hides my pain so as not to burden another soul with the ugliness hiding inside me. But I know I only want to think myself a martyr because I want to feel special. I want to feel  _special_  because in actuality, I am so boringly bland that it is a miracle that there are people who "enjoy" my company—supposedly.

I need the knife. I pretend that I don't need it, that I am not addicted to the drug of pain, that I am not but a helpless slave to its beckoning call. But that is only a lie I whisper to myself in vain. It is a lie that I reiterate in my head after I give in to its orders, after I heed its call, after I draw the knife across my skin, releasing blood bubbling up from deep inside. My blood.  My blood, which ironically, is not black, nor is it poisonous, or even frozen. It is instead utterly ordinary, just like every other aspect about me, which I so detest.  My blood is red, utterly ordinary.  My blood is banal.  My blood is bland.

I need to cut. I really do. It is punishment for all the wrong I have done, the sins I have committed, the evil I become.   _I deserve it_. It is a promise to myself and the world that I shall be better, that I shall not make the same mistakes, that I shall no longer become the monster that I am. It is the only way I can  _feel._   Without the sting, I am numb, and cold, and blank, and as empty as the vacuum of space surrounding life, smothering us all. It is awakening; it clears my screwed up head like nothing else can. It is a cry for attention. It is a cry for help.

I need someone to notice. I need someone to care enough to beg me to stop. To shed tears over the depth of abyss I have dug myself into, and their failure to see it until it is too late, until I am too far gone. I want someone to realize what I do to myself so badly. But I am terrified that someone will find out and deem me crazy. _My greatest desire is also my greatest fear_. So I conceal it so that no one can tell.  But a part of me always wishes that someone, anyone, will look beyond the surface, behind the fake smiles and 'I'm fine's, and realize that I need help; I'm drowning. But there's no one there to pull me up and save me. So I sink below the waves and I don't come back up. Please save me. Please. Please. Please.

I need help. I need someone to save me. But there's no one there. No one notices.  No one cares.  Even though I have the best friends in the world, the greatest and most loving boyfriend, and the kindest and most caring family, no one can see how much I'm hurting; no one can see how fast I'm sinking, no can see me drowning, no one can see the ways in which I'm killing myself, no one can see how close I am to dying. No one can see. And so I turn back to the one thing that makes some of the agonizing despair vanish for the briefest of moments. I turn back to my knife. And I relish in the marks it leaves upon my skin.  The marks that make me look as deranged as I feel and bring me some sanity. I relish in the pain.  The pain that brings me back to reality. I relish in the loneliness.  The loneliness that smothers every inch of my being until I cannot breath for loneliness—you have to at least appreciate how incredibly and entirely alone I am. I relish in the serenity it brings.  And yet, the very thing that brings me immeasurable comfort is my undoing.

**Author's Note:**

> To clarify, self harm is not just cutting. By definition, self harm is "the act of deliberately harming your own body" and includes any harmful/dangerous/painful behaviors and can be done for thousands of different reasons. Some common types of self harm are cutting, burning, hair pulling (see trichotillomania), skin picking (see dermatillomania), scratching, pinching, hitting oneself, interfering with healing (i.e. pulling off scabs), bone breaking, head banging, excessive alcohol consumption, drug use/abuse, drinking/injecting harmful chemicals into the body, and collision with objects (i.e. punching a wall) to name a few.
> 
> THERE'S NO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP, Here's a link to the international suicide hotlines:  
> http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
> 
> SELF HARM ALTERNATIVES:
> 
> when you're angry/restless:  
> •Scribble on photos in magazines  
> •Viciously stab an orange  
> •Scream loudly  
> •Tear apart newspapers, photos, or magazines  
> •Go to the gym, dance, exercise  
> •Pop bubble wrap/balloons  
> •Write your feelings on paper then rip it up  
> •Use stress relievers  
> •Throw ice cubes at the bathtub wall, at a tree, etc  
> •Break sticks  
> •Cut up fruits  
> •Stomp around in heavy shoes  
> •Buy a cheap plate and decorate it with what ever expresses your pain/sadness and then smash it (be careful)  
> •The Calm Jar (Fill a jar water and glitter. When upset or angry you can shake it to disturb the glitter and focus on that until the glitter settles.)
> 
> sensation (other than pain) without harming yourself:  
> •Hold ice cubes  
> •Run your hands under cold water  
> •Splash your face with cold water  
> •Put glue on your hands then peel it off  
> •Bite into a hot pepper or chew a piece of ginger root
> 
> distract or take up time:  
> •Say “I’ll self harm in fifteen minutes if I still want to” and keep going for periods of fifteen minutes until the urge fades  
> •Play an instrument  
> •Paint your nails  
> •Cook  
> •Dress up  
> •Make a chain link out of paper counting the hours/days you've been self harm free  
> •Memorize a poem with meaning  
> •Learn to swear in another language  
> •Plan a party  
> •Plan regular activities for your most difficult time of day  
> •Make a phone list of people you can call for support. Allow yourself to use it.  
> •Pick a subject and research it  
> •Take a small step towards a goal you have  
> •Re-organize your room  
> •Name all of your soft toys  
> •Do some house hold chores
> 
> when you're feeling guilty, sad, or lonely:  
> •Remember a happy moment and relive it  
> •Look at things that are special to you  
> •Compliment someone else  
> •Youtube funny videos  
> •Let yourself cry  
> •Play with a pet  
> •Imagine yourself living in a perfect home and describe it  
> •If you're religious, read the bible or pray  
> •Carry tokens to remind you of peaceful comforting things/people  
> •Write down the negative thoughts and then physically re-write them into positive messages
> 
> when you're feeling panicky or scared:  
> •Listen to soothing music  
> •Meditate or do yoga  
> •Do a “reality check list” – write down all the things you can list about where you are now (e.g. It's the 9th November 2004, I’m a room and everything is going to be alright)  
> •Drink herbal tea  
> •Feel your pulse to prove you're alive  
> •Put your feet firmly on the floor  
> •Accept where you are in the process. Beating yourself up, only makes it worse  
> •Lay on your back comfortably (eyes closed), and breathe in for 4, hold for 2, out for 4, hold for 2. Fill your belly with air, not your chest. When you're comfortable breathing, put your hand on your belly and rub up and down in time with your breathing. If your mind wanders move it back to focusing ONLY on the synchronized movement of your hand and breathing  
> •Light a candle and watch the flame
> 
> give the illusion of seeing something similar to blood:  
> •Draw on yourself with a red pen  
> •Cover yourself with plasters where you want to cut  
> •Give yourself a fake tattoo  
> •Draw on the areas you want to cut using ice with red food color it
> 
> sort through your feelings:  
> •Identify what is hurting  
> •Call a hotline  
> •Write a letter to someone telling them how you feel (you don’t have to send it)  
> •Start a grateful journal where everyday you write down three good things that happened/things you accomplished/are grateful for/made you smile. the journal is strictly for positive things. when you feel down you can go back and look at it
> 
> See the full list at:  
> http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-self-harm/t9418-alternatives-self-harm/
> 
> Wow that was long. Imma end by reminding you that I love you and if you ever need a friend you can find me at lia-is-in-love.tumblr.com
> 
> Lots of Love,  
> -Lia


End file.
